Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Just wonderin'.....

What's going through the mind(s):

...of people who walk across the mall with twelve people in their shopping posse like they're getting ready for a game of Red-Rover? Move the fuck over, get in single line formation, and let the fast-walkers pass!

... of the person who's driving 6 miles an hour with their blinker on and stops at every corner to look for the name of a street when there are people with road rage behind them who actually KNOW where they're headed and needed to get there ten minutes ago? Pull the fuck over and get a map/gps/make a phone call.

...of the person who has his windshield wipers on full speed after three drops of rain and is driving as if there's a hurricane? Again, either pull over if you can't drive with a splash of water on your window, stay home, or use public transportation. Just get the fuck off the road.

...of my son, Twelve, when he tells me he doesn't need to wake up until 7:30 am to get to school by 7:45 am because he's so tired but THEN tells me his "eyes adjust better at 6:30?" What kind of logic is that? I hate when people speak in tongues I just can not comprehend. Even when said person/people are my own creation(s).

... of the old woman who slowed down just to give me a nasty, dirty look while I was walking my puppy? I wondered if young(er) women and sweet animals somehow offended her. What a bitch, old or not.

... of my daughter, Eight, when she asks me a question and I answer her directly and then she re-asks the same question, and I answer her again directly but still, she continues asking. Is eight plus six NOT fourteen or something? Does she want the sum to be another, somehow better number?

...of my cats when I decide to make the bed (because, as my family knows, a made bed equals an entirely clean house and once the bed is made, housework is completed)and they jump on the bed and decide it's nap time? Do they really need to force me to yank the sheet as hard as I can to knock their old asses off? (It's hard to be nice anymore since they puke all over and pee on random plastic bags).

...of people who don't say something but think you should just KNOW it automatically somehow? I mean, when I ask a question at work, shouldn't that be a clue that I don't actually know the answer to begin with? Can I just get an answer minus the smug look and the attitude? (bad ending to my workday today, obviously)

... the people who work in Subway? When I tell them, "JUST turkey and olives...nothing else" why do they insist on asking if I want cheese? Mayo? Lettuce? "No, dude, I said I only want turkey and olives.That's IT." "Would you like tomatoes then?" I have Subway-rage, too.

...of my family when I say I'm going to the store, "do you want anything?" and they all say "no", even when I ask three times. Then, when I come home with $200 worth of shit, they THEN tell me what I should have gotten. One of these days, a jar of pickles is gonna fly across the room and if someone happens to be standing in the line of fire, well then... whose fault is THAT?

...of the people in Ace's Liquor store when I went in the other day and 'suggested' they get those cards you punch for each visit so you can get a free bottle after ten or twelve purchases? I mean, I was in there at least three times this week, so...

...the dude in the gym that forgot he has a lower body, too? Can you PLEASE work your thighs and calves? Do you think that because 300 pounds of your 305 pound body are in your upper, nobody's going to notice your legs are the width of a sewing needle? And while I'm at it, nobody wants to hear your grunting and groaning when you lift 800 pounds. Put it the fuck DOWN if you have to scream. It's distracting while I'm trying to listen to Manilow.

...of kids that have to spit a huge goober on the sidewalk JUST as I'm walking by? What, you couldn't have waited until I passed? You wanted me to see the slime from your throat?

...of the guy that practically blocked my exit from a club one night with his posse, wooing me with free raviolis from his store? Really? Is that the best line you can come up with? A ravioli? If I was single, I'd be all over that shit. ::::NOT:::::

...of the person giving me a pedicure, especially when she starts digging under my toe nails with that sharp, metal tool? I know what's going through mine: "OUCH! "STOP TRYING TO MURDER MY TOES! WHAT DID THEY EVER DO TO YOU?"

... of people who need to use an entire shopping wagon for a roll of tin foil and a bar of soap? Do you not realize that there are no more wagons and I am carrying a case of beer, a 12-pack of paper towels, a case of dog food and my own tin foil?

... of the mother/daughter duo that walk all over Merrick with their ever-changing hair colors and flat-ironed bangs? Must they change their color every week? Do they think they're suddenly unrecognizable and nobody can tell it's the same pair sitting in Dunkin Ds with their 5 bag-loads of nonsense?

... of my poor hairdresser when he sees my name in the appointment book? The only real clue I have is that he's said on many occasions to me, (including today), that "you're always interesting." I'm choosing to think that that is good. be continued :)

Ol' Forty xo


  1. OK I'll say it one more time---- you are an amazingly talented woman!!! I LOVE THIS and can't wait to read more!!! You Go Girl!!

  2. This is hilarious. I hope it wasn't my dad who you saw with the shopping cart for tin foil. He's the guy. And then he'll have them double bag that shit and take 10 minutes to look for his discount bar code. This comes after looking for the Atkins ice cream he wants to buy in bulk. He somehow is mad connected with the management and stock people. He'll get angry that the shit is sold out even though the sale has been going on for weeks. And let's not forget the walk around to taste all the free stuff...more than a couple of times.

    I think I know about the 6:30 as opposed to the 7:30 thing with the eyes. I often wake and feel more rested at 6:30 than I do if I go back to sleep for that extra hour, where I feel groggy and blurry. Or you could try checking his drawers for mr. J. ;-)

  3. Jill
    where did you get such a talent w/words.You expressed what most people feel & can't express it.Especially in such a funny way.
    love Mom
    Your biggest fan