Wednesday, August 25, 2010

The Smell of Defeat

Come a little closer and take a whiff - no, not of my ridiculously expensive perfume that I will never, ever, ever be able to purchase again. Not that. Come on, smell... Got it now? It's strong and it's the other scent I've been sportin' lately, which, by the way, is quite costly in its own way and is called, "Eau de'Feat." There are several translations and/or pronunciations in English:

1. Oh, Defeat!
2. Oh, fuck.... defeated again!
3. Fuck My Life
4. Really? Why? Whyyyyy?

and my favorite...

4. My boss is a mother fucking hairy prick who has no compassion, human decency, or interpersonal skills who thinks his pocket bulging full of money (and probably only money, if ya know what I mean) make him better than everyone else.

I wish someone could explain to me why I decided to forgo the usual "interview smile and head-nod" and went with, "be forthright, be relaxed and be yourself." What, I ask you, was the point of being forthright to this potential employer (who went from "potential" to "actual") when all he did was take advantage of that? And is it really too much to ask for that same courtesy in return? Whoever can explain those mysteries to me, please also shed some light on a possible reason(s) why when someone employs a very eager, smart person who's willing to learn (and can learn!) anything that the employer constantly speaks to this employee with contempt, impatience and disrespect.

What happens to people when they become successful? Do they turn into selfish, arrogant fucks immediately? Or are there prerequisites for being successful, like they need to possess inner-scumbagdom (yes, that's a word: my word), or have complete disregard for the less-than-human folk that they employ?

I have approached my job searches in several different ways: the above mentioned "interview smile and head-nod" combo, then I've used that one along with the "outgoing-personality-willingness-to-learn" approach, and then I've gone the "Full Monty" approach - just being completely honest about who I am, what I want and why I think I'm a good hire. That's probably what helped me get my current position, although I think somehow my honesty and willingness fucked me in the end.

What is it that employers want? They place ads which take time for people to carefully respond to but then don't have the courtesy to respond back in kind. Then the rare few who do call you in for an interview, put you through a four-interview process over the course of weeks, hire you, then proceed to treat you as if you left your brain back in your health club locker. But, because we all need that green paper, we take it. We take all the bullshit because we have to. We work harder to prove ourselves, we bite our tongues when we should really lash them out with venomous words, then we work even harder to prove ourselves more and then we get screwed. Or at least I did.

Because this position I have is seasonal, most of the staff is laid off for either the entire summer or for part of the summer. Me? I got off for August with my re-hire date near Labor Day. But I never heard exactly when. So I emailed the Prick. After treating me like shit on his shoe (I have witnesses!)he sends me a negative email in response. He accused me of having a 'bad attitude.'

An overview of the beginning:

April: Four-part interview with Prick and his interview side-kick, Fat Pork Sword
Second week in: Mother Fucker Side-Kick Pork Sword bullied me into silence.
Every week following: Sarcastic remarks, no eye contact when speaking, rare acknowledgment of my existence.
Oh,, and apparently, when either of them raised their hand in my face, it meant, You, Woman. You no speak.

Many disdainful looks, snide side-comments and snickering between the two of them, and one-too-many belittling grammar corrections later, I was thrown into an ocean of "do this with little or contradictory instructions" and basically told to swim. When I asked for help, the hand went up in my face and I was spoken to with contempt.

I feel defeated. Not completely, where I'm gonna lay down in a puddle of my own tears, but enough where I reek of it already. Add a few other disappointments and struggles (to be announced in a future blog of misery)and I feel the urge to warn people to stay away from me as the smell of defeat is pungent and will curl your nostrils.

I know mine are. And like I mentioned earlier, it's a costly scent. It's costing me a little of my self worth and confidence.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Thank Yous Long Overdue

I'm a big believer in thanking people (even if my gratitude isn't always so sincere). Here we go...

Thank you...

... to the guys/girls/old men/little-kids-with-manners/creepy-dudes who hold doors open for me even when I'm a hundred feet away. Way too kind.

... to the lady who just stumbled off the curb probably thinking that because she was next to a huge truck, nobody saw. But I did. Much needed chuckle for an already-shitty morning.

... to my 3rd grade teacher who encouraged us to get extra credit points and by doing so, brought out the wanna-be-writer in me.

... to my professors in college for continually helping me to hone my (so-called) craft. (and for letting me sit in your office listening to all my tales. You know who you are!) the people who actually take the time to read what I write. You five people ROCK!

... to all those wonderful, loving people out there who have taken it upon themselves to knock me down and kick me while I'm there. Again, more people who ROCK!

... to my puppy, Two and a Half - you make me smile daily. :)

... to my sister, Forty-Three. A girl needs to have someone in life who she can share a secret language with. You know what the raised left eyebrow means in any given situation. Thank GOD.

... to whoever it was in my family, (Sixty-Eight?) that I got my sense of humor from.

... to those who have taught me harsh lessons. Those are the ones I will never, ever forget. Pindar Winter White - you make my evenings more enjoyable.

... in the same vein, to the Local Liquor Store for amusing me by taking my suggestion half-way seriously of having a card to stamp every time you come in. Every ten bottles gets you a freebie. (Come on, guys - Subway used to do it!)

... to Senor Frog's in Mexico. Period.

... to Seth MacFarlane. You are a comic genius and I don't care who isn't with me on that one. (also to TVLand for running all those Roseanne marathons for when Ol' Forty can't sleep).

... to Anne Murray for singing a song that makes me cry like a fucking idiot. My iPod seems to be a source of pain and self-punishment somehow. Maybe I should set it on fire.

... to my fantabulous boss for paying me that unbelievably HUGE mountain of cash every two weeks just so he can have someone to sneer at daily. It is SO fucking worth it.

... to anyone who loves me, warts and all.

... the guy at the nail place who gave me a really long and quite awesome foot massage recently. My toe nails looked lovely in that shade of red, btw.

... to all those who never cease to amaze me.

... to my daughter, Eight, for having that wicked Mizrahi sense of humor. She's 59 pounds of solid love and companionship and she makes me laugh.

... to my son, Thirteen, for shocking the shit out of me with his strength and courage. Yes, he whimpered when he got his ear pierced but he didn't even flinch in the face of something else that should have knocked him down.

... to Eight and Thirteen. Never have I been more proud of the two of them. When hit with shitty news, they were both courageous and understanding. I love them more than life.